via SixRevisions

Metal Heads vs Normal People

via reddit

Looks like it would either summon a demon, or put one to sleep…or both.

You guys have probably seen this, but I thought it was hilarious…

HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave… without the princess.

VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, fucks her again, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess’s bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.

GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

GRINDCORE:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

EMOCORE:
The protagonist’s mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome arm-spinning and spin-kicking while his friends observe the scene with their arms crossed; then the princess laughs at the protagonists ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping.

PUNK:
The protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the dragon for some bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the princess as “monarchist cunt” and “commerce bitch” and leaves the castle in a black maria.

PORNO GRIND:
The Protagonist arrives at the castle without any clothes on and grunts loudly for a few minutes. Then he fucks the dragon in every body cavity it has, kills the dragon, fucks the carcass the same way again, grunts loudly again for a few minutes, grabs the princess and fucks her in every body cavity she has, kills her and fucks her in the same way again. Then he piles up the dragon’s and princess’s remains, fucks them in every body cavity they have, grunts loudly and screams senselessly for a few minutes. Then he leaves.

POP ROCK:
The protagonist arrives in a limo. The dragon lets them in as long as they sign an autograph for its mom who is a big fan. The protagonist leaves with the princess and they get married.

GOTHIC METAL:
The protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle of the night, frustrates the heck out of the dragon until it dies of fear and desolation, comes to the princess and discusses how to clean make- ups without inflicting skin irritation.

METALCORE:
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidentally knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed up his dance routine.

via sevenstring.org

Opportunity #1: The Table Names

Table names were the perfect way to go full metal. The trick was having fun with it without over-doing it, which was easy to do since they’re just words. I ended up going with a mixture of references. Start by thinking of song titles, album titles, band names, miscellaneous metal culture phrases, personalities, etc. The table name cards ended up looking tastefully hilarious with the fancy centerpieces and the rest of the wedding decor. Use the same stationery as the invitations and programs for full effect, of course.

The table names were as follows:

• Bootscraper
• Sacrifice for the Slaughtergod
• Fire from the Sky
• Gorod
• 11th Hour
• Soul Thrashing Black Sorcery
• Black Valor
• Throsh Nosty

Pick out some names that are in and of themselves not too scary-sounding, but that you know are super brutal. These are the tables where you sit anyone you think might get offended. Then pick out some that are hilariously over-the-top in a way that is obviously humorous. Then pick out a few that have special meaning between you and your heavy metal buds. Seat everyone accordingly, and try not to lose your cool; arranging wedding reception seating can be pretty brutal.

Opportunity #2: The Music

You don’t need to hire Skeletonwitch to play at your reception to sneak in a savory bit of brutality (but if you ever pull this off, you e-mail me immediately and tell me when/where to show up with your awesome wedding gift). For our reception, we did a mixture of live band for dancing and the iPod during dinner and breaks. I wasn’t ballsy enough to play Dying Fetus or anything, but it turns out there’s plenty of quality tracks to put on a widely enjoyable playlist of awesomeness. Here’s some of the tracks I picked out:

• Iron Maiden – The Trooper
• Black Sabbath – Into the Void
• Mastodon – Sleeping Giant
• Baroness – A Horse Called Golgotha
• Queen – Stone Cold Crazy
• Metallica – Breadfan
• Van Halen – Panama
• AC/DC – Beating Around the Bush
• Black Sabbath – Rat Salad
• Danzig – Mother

Un-seized Opportunities:

• Throw horns in your wedding photos
• Make your wedding invites out of blood and/or babies
• Only register for gifts at websites that sell medieval torture devices
• Say “Fuckin’ Slayer” instead of “I do”
• Put magic mushrooms in the quiche
• Growl your vows into the mic
• For your first dance as husband and wife…full windmill to Behemoth