Opportunity #1: The Table Names

Table names were the perfect way to go full metal. The trick was having fun with it without over-doing it, which was easy to do since they’re just words. I ended up going with a mixture of references. Start by thinking of song titles, album titles, band names, miscellaneous metal culture phrases, personalities, etc. The table name cards ended up looking tastefully hilarious with the fancy centerpieces and the rest of the wedding decor. Use the same stationery as the invitations and programs for full effect, of course.

The table names were as follows:

• Bootscraper
• Sacrifice for the Slaughtergod
• Fire from the Sky
• Gorod
• 11th Hour
• Soul Thrashing Black Sorcery
• Black Valor
• Throsh Nosty

Pick out some names that are in and of themselves not too scary-sounding, but that you know are super brutal. These are the tables where you sit anyone you think might get offended. Then pick out some that are hilariously over-the-top in a way that is obviously humorous. Then pick out a few that have special meaning between you and your heavy metal buds. Seat everyone accordingly, and try not to lose your cool; arranging wedding reception seating can be pretty brutal.

Opportunity #2: The Music

You don’t need to hire Skeletonwitch to play at your reception to sneak in a savory bit of brutality (but if you ever pull this off, you e-mail me immediately and tell me when/where to show up with your awesome wedding gift). For our reception, we did a mixture of live band for dancing and the iPod during dinner and breaks. I wasn’t ballsy enough to play Dying Fetus or anything, but it turns out there’s plenty of quality tracks to put on a widely enjoyable playlist of awesomeness. Here’s some of the tracks I picked out:

• Iron Maiden – The Trooper
• Black Sabbath – Into the Void
• Mastodon – Sleeping Giant
• Baroness – A Horse Called Golgotha
• Queen – Stone Cold Crazy
• Metallica – Breadfan
• Van Halen – Panama
• AC/DC – Beating Around the Bush
• Black Sabbath – Rat Salad
• Danzig – Mother

Un-seized Opportunities:

• Throw horns in your wedding photos
• Make your wedding invites out of blood and/or babies
• Only register for gifts at websites that sell medieval torture devices
• Say “Fuckin’ Slayer” instead of “I do”
• Put magic mushrooms in the quiche
• Growl your vows into the mic
• For your first dance as husband and wife…full windmill to Behemoth